Monday, August 27, 2012

The Road Not Taken

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I learned that poem in elementary school. I looked at it as maybe the dude was picking a job, or maybe he honestly didn't know which walk to go on. Either way, it didn't mean anything much to me. It was a nice sounding poem about a guy who went against the norm.

And yet, so many years later. It's the title of a post I didn't think I would ever have to write about.

Last post I told you about Chris Green, my missionary. I showed a vague picture of the 2 inch binder stuffed with letters, and the stack of envelopes I'd been hoarding away.

And through the entire post, I knew that I had some devastating news for him once I saw him Saturday.

You see, like this guy in the above poem, I had two choices.

And both choices had really happy looking endings.

But the difference here, is this Robert Frost got to pick his path, while God told me which one I needed to take.

I fought, bargained and cried over His answer to my theoretical question. His answer that Chris wasn't 'the one' for me.

And Chris came home from the mission and called me every day, and every time I had to tell myself that God knows His plan for me, and that I needed to obey.

Saturday rolled around, and I made the drive to see him. We ate with his family and played games before we left on a walk to the park. And then, before I knew it, we were seated across from each other, my hands in his.

This was my moment to choose my path.

And I chose the path God had prepared for me.

With tears ruining my mascara, and my voice sounding nothing like my own, I ended our 2 year, 8 month relationship.

And, Chris, if you've ventured into the blog that has chronicled my life for a full year, I want you to know something. Putting this story, our story on here for every passing soul to read was a difficult decision. Some might look at it as a breach of privacy. As me looking for attention.

But this is for you. Not for the people who read this blog, not for myself really. It's for you. And I'm not gonna tell you about it. Maybe you'll stumble across this in a few months, a year, a decade. Maybe your sister will tell you to check it out. Maybe you will never, ever read this.

But I'm through living with maybe.

And, Chris, I hope that you aren't living with a maybe. Because while I have loved you for so long, I just know that there isn't a maybe between us. Heavenly Father tried to tell me for so, so long. And I ignored him. Like you said, you wouldn't have had the courage to ask. And I didn't either. He had to jump at me when I casually said something rhetorical.

But what he told me, what he told my pounding heart and foggy brain was amazing. It's not only amazing for me, it's amazing for you.

We were the perfect pair. My family accepted you into the picture, my brother loved you like the brother he'd never had. My friends saw us together and thought it was the most natural relationship out there. Your family accepted me like they've never accepted any other girl you've dated. Your brother approved of me, and the other said I'd be welcome in the family.

Now imagine that, Chris, and multiply it by 100. Because that's what He's got in store for both of us, just with different people.

The girl you marry is going to be stronger than me in so many ways. She'll be your perfect companion and assist you in the mysterious and important work you have ahead of you. She'll be your true companion, your perfect mate, your Eternal wife.

And He's got some amazing guy waiting in the wings for me.

I know these things because He told me so.

So thank you for continuing our friendship. For texting me these last 2 days. For treating me like your best friend, a title I was honored to receive while you were serving. Thank you for understanding that I had to do what He asked, and thank you for being you.

Come What May has a different meaning for me now, but you'll always be tied to that.

So, readers, thanks for taking an interest in my life, but understand, this post wasn't for you. It was for him.


1 comment:

  1. You know your life much better than I do, but I want to share a thought...

    A couple weeks ago in a church meeting a young man shared his story about how he met his wife. They had dated for several years, and they wanted to get married. The man decided to ask the Lord. He prayed, fasted, went to the temple, and the only answer he recieved was that he needed to break up with the girl... the love of his life.
    They followed the Lord's council, and broke up- against their parents wishes. Dated other people. Finished school. Then many many years later they saw each other again.
    They were then directed to date, and they later recieved the confirmation that they were to be married. They now have a beautiful family.
    He told us he felt that if they had never spent that time apart he never would have really known how much he loves his wife.
    I think in many cases the Lord gives us directions but not explainations.
    Maybe this is his way of telling you "No not yet, not right now, just trust in me and you will find joy."
    So whether you end up with Chris or not, you can believe that God has a plan for you, that he loves you, and that He will help you find joy.
    Love you Courtney!